Do not attempt to say the title of this post out loud. I don’t want you summoning any lopsided demons today on my account.
This post has been sitting in my drafts for a while and I feel like it’s time to share my list of absolute favorite merch— that I’ve bought and/or wish I’d thought of— with the world. In no particular order, here they come.
Chaotic Bisexual Summer Tank Top by Linnea’s Garden
Kicking off with the apparel category, I present to you this Chaotic Bisexual Summer tank top by Linnea’s Garden. I was in L.A. when the band released this one last year and I actually think I Venmoed (← that looks Dutch) a friend to grab one for me just in case they went fast. It’s too perfect. As a self-identified Disaster Bi, how could I not own this? I edited the bottom a bit to make it into a crop top for maximum chaos.
Bright Yellow Pants by pig
Pants. As merch. Why? Because why not. Full disclosure: these pants were way too small for me (this was clear going in) so I bought them for my best friend and bandmate Amber [pictured]. We often live vicariously through each other where clothing and lipstick colors are concerned. There’s not much else to say about these pants. I’m just glad they exist. Amber, too!
Pill Organizer by Nonagon
This falls into both the “helpful tool” and “wish I’d thought of it” categories. What better way to comment on one’s own status as an aging musician than a branded pill organizer? Fittingly, these were given out to all attendees at the band’s 20th anniversary show. Nonagon are from Chicago and I have not seen them live, but I hope I get a chance to do so. I’m pretty sure I found them by randomly Googling whether there was a band called Nonagon one day, because nonagons are fun. I was not disappointed. Fun nonagon fact: I like to crochet holiday nonagons for people every winter. I had taken it as a personal challenge to create an attractive nonagon that laid flat (anything past a hexagon can become pretty unwieldy if you’re not savvy) and last year I finally finetuned my pattern just right. Now all I have to do is find that particular nonagon and carefully recreate it, since obviously by “pattern” I mean I freehanded it and said yeah sure I’ll definitely remember how I did this next year…
Colors Hoodie by OK Go
This one is my personal comfort item/nostalgia pick. This hoodie is almost 15 years old and it shows. It’s been washed enough to be pretty much transparent when held up to the light and the cuffs are wasting away. I got it when the band played Brandeis University (incidentally where Linnea of Linnea’s Garden got her PhD), which was the second show of theirs I’d seen on a college campus, the first being WPI. I wasn’t going to get it because I didn’t have enough money on me but my friend Jordan lent me the rest. Thanks, Jordan.
Emergency Shaker by Grocer
I have excitedly shown this to so many people. It’s brilliant. Look at this. It’s a shaker. A little shaker that clips onto your belt loop or backpack and has a retractable cord. The band name is printed on the clippy end. This thing has gone to weddings with me, work events, you name it. Try and stop me.
While we’re here: do not sleep on this Philly band. I caught Grocer a while back with Kal Marks and Pile. Absolutely killer show.
Actual Fucking 8-Track by Johnny Habu.
This one is such a power move and I’m here for it. Johnny Habu recently moved to the area and came to one of my shows on the suggestion of a friend. And what did they give me as a gift? An 8-track tape. An actual fucking 8-track. Yes. Wow. Can I play it on anything? Well, I COULD HAVE a few years ago because I had some combo system with a player in it. Alas, now I will have to find an even more curmudgeonly friend to help me out. But this, this right here. This is how you laugh in the face of obsolescence. I would like to report that I just spelled obsolescence correctly on the first try.
“Learn To Fly” Airline Pin by Foo Fighters
Here’s a classic that I can’t believe I haven’t lost throughout all my various moves and rearrangings: a super fun airline-style pin that Foo Fighters released around the Learn To Fly video. I am admittedly feeling a little nonplussed about Dave and the Foos right now, given… you know, THE WHOLE THING. Shocked and forever changed? No, I didn’t say that. Just nonplussed. But it’s still a really cool pin.
ASL Patch by Deftones
This patch has made its way onto various backpacks and bags over the years. Right now it’s just hanging out until where I should decide where it goes next. Always thought this was really creative and figured someone had made a “def” → “deaf” connection which became an ASL merch item? Who knows.
Snarky Top by Pinback
Okay this one is hilarious because it’s true. They DO play the older hits fast!!! I get it: they want to move on with their lives. This was previously a t-shirt that was way too big for me (they only had larges left) and now it’s a tank top that’s way too big for me. I have to wear it with a sports bra or my tiddies fall out the arm holes. IYKYK. Awkward segue: Pinback are great live. I’ve only seen them twice and the second time (when I bought this shirt) was on the tour where Zach was sick so they had a fill-in bassist. I was very salty about this initially (GOD DAMN IT) because Zach is probably my favorite bassist and I’d already committed to driving to New Hampshire for the show, but the fill-in did do a fantastic job. Those are some intense shoes to fill, even when people aren’t low key salty at you.
Tote Bag Full of Good Intentions by mclusky
This is the most meta item on the list. The slogan is a play on mclusky lyrics as it is, but I can’t carry it without thinking of the “love of tote bags” line at the end of an otherwise unrelated Falco/FotL track. Does it mock itself? Always in tune. No notes.
Awesome Rain Hat by P.E.
Last but not least (in fact, this is probably the item on this list I use most often) is my awesome rain hat by a Brooklyn band called P.E. who I saw open for FACS in Providence. That was a fun show. Don’t tell anyone but we’d actually said yes to playing a show on that same night about 30 minutes before I saw that FACS were touring so woops, turned out I actually did have a conflict that night and we wouldn’t be able to play that gig, sorry. Worth it! The guy from this band said that his mom sewed their patches onto random hats so they were all one of a kind. I loved that fact, loved that the hat was aggressively purple, and loved that it fit on my big fat head. Every time I have to go out in the rain I wear this hat now and I think I might be cultivating a reputation as one of those weird people around town who like… people know who you’re talking about but no one knows who they are, y’know?
Again: worth it.
~RMSC